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Coconuts

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders. Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian,
"My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Haircut

What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?

The Seat

Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes. "Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella "Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!" "And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"

Wise Guys

How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

Confesssion

Three Pisanos are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish.

The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuses to name who he had committed adultery with. The priest asks him "Was it Mrs. Richinni?" "No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell you who it was." "Was it Mrs. Bollino?" "No father."

The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and if not he would be excommunicated for two weeks. "Was it Mrs. Masticano?" asked the priest. "No father." "That's it," said the priest, "You're excommunicated for two weeks."

The man left the cubicle with a big smile on his face. "How did it go?" asked the other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN...

- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.

- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.

- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.

- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

- At some point in your life, you were a D.J

- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

- You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.

- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

Big Lorenzo

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons:

"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"

"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"

"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"

Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?"

Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."